is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
We got so high we made milksteak
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
