so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
