shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
