Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
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