I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
