Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
