I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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