Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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