I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
