I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
