He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
