I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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