i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
