I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize