and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
