I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You're a waste of cheezeits
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
