Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
