Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
