She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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