sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
