i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Panties = found
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
