i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
