I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
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Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
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I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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