omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
