We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
