Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
