if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
