Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
