Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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