He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
