He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
