honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
