never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
