i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
