two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
