Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
