If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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