You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
