Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
