just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
