ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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