I'm lost and stupid without you.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
