Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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