please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
