Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
