so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
