I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
