I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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