John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
