Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
