it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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