i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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