if you like me you must not know who I am
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
