Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
