That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
