will power is for people who don't want to get laid
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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