Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
