hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
